Things I Learned While Not Dating You (or Meeting Your Own 'Relationship Goals')

Relationships and empowerment are two things that I definitely have thought a lot about in the last year and a half, so here are some things I've been pouring over lately.

Societal expectations have a way of making us feel insufficient on a variety of levels, whether it be our less than flawless skin, our overweight body, or how many likes we get on our social media accounts. But in all honesty, I think that societal and gender expectations of dating, relationships, and marriage affect almost every single one of us. Everyone is striving for that perfect relationship that they (and their instagram followers) can feel good about. I do recognize that this makes it sounds like a bunch of narcissists, but I also think that it is important to think about how it feels to have someone legitimize your relationship. When you post something and people respond in a positive manner, it makes you feel good; the same goes for negative feedback and feeling bad. However, we need to break away from having the approval of others and start doing things that we feel passionately about instead of what everyone else expects us to be doing. What if we just did things because we ourselves thought was cool instead of doing something we think others think is cool? I believe that through engaging in the things we feel most passionately about, our true selves show through, selves that are strong and grounded in their beliefs and who do not need the approval of others to feel worthy.

Although we do not like to admit it, we really are concerned about what others think about us. The good news? Solid peers will support you no matter what, as will good friends, regardless of if what you're doing is cool and/or likable. Each one of us is unique with their own set of fingerprints, genes, and lifestyles--we've gotta stop trying to live someone else's life (which we've decided is better than ours) and own our experience and story. Life is too short to try and live like anyone but yourself.

In the realm of relationships, I think that sometimes we feel the need to legitimize to other people that our relationship is good. If you have to convince other people of its worth, it might be worth reframing how you think about your relationship. Instead of striving to make our relationships worthy of the tag 'relationship goals', we should be intentional about our own personal beliefs about relationships. As individuals, we know what we expect out of a relationship and chances are, we don't all believe the same things about what constitutes a good relationship. We all have our own ideas of 'relationship goals', so we should not have to impose our version of those goals on anyone else. And here's the kicker--that's perfectly okay. If we all believed the same things about relationships, everything would be a lot more complicated. That being said, let's stop comparing ourselves and our significant others to other couples and be empowered by the unique love and belonging we share with one another. Just because my relationship does not look like yours does not mean that it is insufficient or bad. But when we compare our current status to that of another couples, it often leaves us feeling unsatisfied and unworthy. Like if I was as cool or beautiful or 'insert word here' as this other couple, my significant other would treat me in this way. We have got to stop comparing our worth to how other people are doing life. If you are single, celebrate being single and find out what it means to be single. If you are in a relationship, celebrate that and find out what it means to be in a relationship. Do not let other people's ideas of what your life should be affect what you choose it to be. Even when the church ladies or awkward family members are getting you down and asking why you are not married off yet, kindly remind them that you are just working on more important things right now, because for some of us, being in that kind of situation is just not ideal for the current situation. Just because you are in one boat or the other does not mean that you are ahead, behind, worthy, or unworthy, it just means you are in a different part of your life than another person.

Personally, I used to find myself getting bogged down about my lack of relationship or how I was being treated. I think what I realized is that there is you have two courses of action when this realization comes upon you:

1) figure out where those feelings of insecurity are stemming from and address them head on,
2) ignore the problem, or
3) empower yourself to be with the way things are

I'm sure we can each say we have chosen one of the three examples or any other number of responses at one time or another in our lives. The important thing is where you end up and how you let your past decisions affect your future ones. I used to be overcome with feelings of intense shame and insufficiency whenever someone I knew got engaged. After realizing that about myself, I chose to address my issues head on and empower myself (combining #1 and #3 was successful for me!). Although my knee jerk reaction to seeing Facebook engagements is still nothing short of feeling shame wash over me, I will say that the feeling has decreased significantly. Somehow, I reframed my perspective and have just decided to be happy in my current situation and it is the most beautiful thing. I have chosen to be with the way things are. And let me just say, the way things are for me is pretty good right now. Even though things do not always go my way, I have chosen to be unfailingly happy and thankful for the current situation and have been intentionally working to see the positives in each circumstance instead of all of the ways in which life tries to rule us with the idea of scarcity. Sometimes it may feel like there are not enough hours in the day (which is true), but remember that we all have the same amount of hours in a day as Beyonce. So here's to a wonderful, eye-opening, life-changing six months of being single and content instead of restless and waiting for my 'moment'. Instead of waiting for my moment, I am creating it, each and every day, with the help of all of you.

Faking It

I like to think I’m a self-aware person. Actually, to be really honest, I’m glaringly self-aware. I’m constantly thinking about how my body language is affecting you, I’m thinking about if I’ve offended you with something I’ve said, I’m worrying that you’re mad at me, and I’m always thinking about your feelings when making a decision. And sometimes I surprise myself; like why do I have to be so on edge about how people are receiving the energy and love I’m bringing to the table? But often, quickly after I get wrapped up in thinking about the many things that you could or could not be thinking about me, I’ve lost myself in the shuffle. Following that is the feeling of, “oh, you’re doing that again”. Sometimes I wish I could be self-aware about being so self-aware and safe guard myself against ‘faking it’.

At some point in our lives I think we’ve all faked it—whether that be happiness, love, or feeling like what we’re doing and where we’re at in our journey is completely okay. Too many days feel too tired, too empty, and too full of work that requires more time than we have to give. It’s easy to get bogged down in the tasks on our to-do lists, let it affect how you act towards others, and transform you into a walking stress ball. I’ve been there and done that, friends. It’s almost like I’m teetering on the line constantly, seconds from either being extremely stressed or too comfortable. Weirdly enough, senior year has been completely calm; I’m not sure whether to be worried or excited that I don’t feel like I’m constantly struggling to keep my head above water. The new perspective I’ve adopted this year makes me feel like a different person—one who operates from a place of love instead of halfheartedly faking it and hoping I can pass off my actions for true engagement. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments when I feel a shining star and am not faking my love or passion, but I spend a lot more days than I’m proud of being a narcissist. BUT. This year is already off to a start that my previous three years of college lacked, which feels like a monumental step in the right direction.

So I’m sure some of you are wondering why I’m talking about faking it. Here’s the (punchline?) of this whole post: this morning, my Bible app sent me a wonderful verse of the day that inspired this post. Although this is from the Bible, I hope that whatever your religious or spiritual beliefs or background, that you can take this for what it’s worth. Romans chapter 12, verse 9 says, “love from the center of who you are, don’t fake it”. Not only should our love for others be wholehearted and sincere, it should come from the center of who we are. The way I think about it, if we allow love to come from the very center of ourselves, it’s not a halfhearted love; instead, it literally emanates from every part of us. When we give our full love to others, they can tell the difference, just like they notice when we are putting on a front. By giving our full love to others, we establish a genuine human connection based on trust (because let’s be honest, love and trust go hand in hand). Loving from the center of yourself means trusting who you are and have been made to be and trusting that the person you are giving love to will accept it freely.

I hope that you have the courage to love with your full self. It doesn’t always turn out how you think it will and some will decide they don’t need or want your love, but the whole point is the act of sharing it with others, regardless of what you will or won’t receive in return.

An Open Letter to All of My Ex-Boyfriends

KITTENS.

I've been feeling just about 95% Beyonce since school started and let me just say, it's fantastic. So with that being said, ladies (and gents too, we ain't gotta gender this), empower yoselves.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ex-Boyfriends,

I shall begin this letter by calling you each out by name.....................................................PSYCH!

If any of you are currently reading this, omg WHAT that's so funny. But then again, I can't say I'm surprised. We all know that as exes we like to low key keep up with what our former significant others are doing now.

But anyways, I want to start off by saying you were pretty good. I was pretty good too. We were both pretty good together, just not great, but that's okay. The good thing about relationships are that even though you start in one place, you usually end in a completely different one. It's almost always a place where we never thought we'd be, but somehow are finding ourselves in.

To be wholeheartedly honest, some of you got away with things you shouldn't have (you all know who I'm talking about). I'm sure I got away with things too, but if there's one thing I've learned from dating all of you, it's that I should stand up more for who I am and how I should be treated (not that any of you were super jerks, but let's be honest). Being a senior in college has really showed me that it's all about trust and courage, relationship or not. But either way, thanks for reminding me that I deserve the world, past boyfriends; that's what everyone deserves. And in all fairness to myself, I'm over you now, thanks for lots of 90's Destiny's Child and TLC. I don't even have to ask why you're acting shady and not calling me baby, I can just leave it to my spotify player.

Another thing that never fails to make me laugh out loud is seeing pictures of you on the internet or passing you on the street. It's just like waving to my former self and remembering where I'm at now--and sometimes that warrants an LOL. Whenever I see you, I almost reference back to who I was when we were together and then realize that I'm my current self and it's a long time gone. Somehow this brings me peace--like we both enjoyed our time together (or at least I did) and now we're off doing different things and maybe enjoying our time with someone else (or more honestly, CATS). But either way, I just hope that ya'll are doin' okay. Like we shared some memories, so based solely on our shared humanity, I hope you're loving life. I'd hope that you'd wish the same for me, but I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't. It's cool either way, cos just like Beyonce says in 7/11, 'I know you care', you can just go on pretending that you don't.

I want you to know that even if things got messed up between us, each of you taught be some valuable lessons. I can safely say that I understand the power of communication, why it's important to know what you want in a relationship, and how to be a real individual while also being with someone else. I used to be so good at putting my self worth into our relationships, but I wish you would've made sure I didn't do that. My current self wishes she could tell my past self that there's more to life than you. There's more to life than all of us and that's both beautiful and amazing sad, all at once.

The last thing I've realized is that I have the tools to be happy and sorry to say it, but I don't need you to be happy. If anything, you should be an added happiness onto my already happy, fully-functioning, self-sufficient life. It feels good to know that I have the power to ask for what I need and deserve. I also feel like Beyonce about 95% of the time since senior year has started, so make no mistakes that I am empowered and will stand up for myself *insert peace sign emoji here*

Peace and blessings,
Kaitlin

περιπέτειες στην Ελλάδα [Adventures in Greece]

Kittens,

It's been a long time since I've posted, but please excuse my hiatus from blogging--school has a way of getting you focused just on homework and away from reflecting on and experiencing the true beauty of life around us. Because it's been so long, this post will be a conglomeration of a lot of thoughts I've had this summer, paired with commentary about my travels.

So with that, this post is dedicated to a summer of firsts: traveling around the world, performing music in a foreign country (x2), and meeting so many unforgettable people along the way. I hope that my pictures and thoughts can do justice what has been one of the most special times in my life--a summer of true immersion in world cultures and experiencing firsthand the lives of others who strive to act with courage and compassion.

{Leg 1: Ireland}

The end of the school year came and went like a fleeting memory and May was upon us before we could blink an eye. A nine day excursion to Ireland marked my first time traveling out of the United States and I was lucky to be in the company of 80 other musicians from NWU. Although our time in Ireland was short lived, we stayed in many smaller towns and were able to speak with locals and learn about their lives. I'm now convinced that the people of Ireland are some of the most approachable and warm individuals I've ever met.

Our first concert in Ireland set the tone for the entire trip. The choir performed as the featured group in an international music festival and received warm regards from the Prime Minister of Ireland who happened to be in the audience. In the course of our 30 minute set, the choir received two standing ovations after Famine Song and Mouth Music. As a choir member, it was a special experience to share these two pieces with the audience at the close of our concert. To me, a reaction like what we received that night in Ireland can only be attributed to the sharing of a humane experience. Music often expresses emotions that are hard to put into words. During those final two songs, it was as if everyone in the room was in sync, connected through the music, and feeling the same things together. Staring into the audience revealed eyes looking back that seemed to say: I see you, I recognize you and this music, and I recognize this shared experience. I think music is powerful because of that the connection that is formed between performer and audience member. Music allows us to actually see one another and reminds us that we're not as different as we think.

Other highlights of my experiences in Ireland include: meeting the locals and our fabulous bus driver, Paddy, singing in St. Patrick's Cathedral in Dublin for the noontime mass, kissing the Blarney Stone and receiving the gift of eloquence, and spending time with some of my best friends in the entire world.

{Leg 2: Washington, D.C.}

The end of June took me to Washington, D.C. with a professor from school on a student-faculty collaborative research grant. We studied music and participation at the Smithsonian Folklife Festival and learned all about the many cultural groups in Peru.

I was so inspired by the people I met at the festival, especially the cultural ambassadors who were warm, welcoming, and very excited to show off different parts of their culture. There was a brimming sense of nationalism and cultural ambassadors attended sessions of other groups they were not familiar with. As one of the most biodiverse countries in the world, it is absolutely beautiful to see the shared connections the cultural ambassadors forged by attending presentations of other cultural groups with whom they were not familiar.

Although we were studying music and participation at the festival, we learned a lot about gender expectations and roles in Peru. Gender is intimately connected in almost every aspect of folklife that was presented at the festival. We also met some awesome people that were interested in gender studies.

Now that my trip is over, I'm reliving the experience by combing through the notes, videos, and pictures I took in order to make sense of everything. Currently, I'm in the process of two papers and a huge presentation for my senior capstone research in the spring that will be based on the research I did this summer, but founded in multiple disciplines of academia.

Other highlights of my experiences in Washington, D.C. include: being at SCOTUS when they legalized gay marriage (SO MANY TEARS), meeting the mayor of Paucartambo who accompanied his citizens to the festival, going to drag brunch, and seeing what D.C. is all about.

{Leg 3: Greece}

Going into the summer, I knew Greece was going to be the most beautiful place I went all summer and I was beyond correct. After a 15 hour flight and a three and a half hour ferry ride, we arrived in Syros and started our adventure. Good news, Greece is nice all the time. It's almost always 88 degrees with a slight breeze. They also have siesta every day from 2-6 where all the shops close and everyone goes home to take a nap (something I could get used to).

Two of my favorite things about Syros were the people and the music. While in Syros, I met people from all over the world who were performing in the opera, Medea, with me. It's amazing that even though people speak so many different languages, musicians always seem to click and be instant friends because they understand the other person's struggles. Not only did I get to be in an opera, I also performed with an orchestra in a mass choir setting. SO many wonderful orchestral players from Poland and international soloists.

The social dynamic in Greece is much different than the United States in the most beautiful way. Not many people on the island of Syros had a smart phones, so people would actually get together and talk to one another face to face. On any given night, the port restaurants are packed with people sitting outside under the umbrellas and stars, enjoying food, drinks, and conversation. Fun fact: people in Greece automatically know who the Americans are because they're always attached to their phones, so just put it away, friends.

Another thing that initially irritated me while in Syros was how people seemed to always be late for things. However, I came to intimately embrace this as a beautiful thing. Our culture is so fast moving that we try and have everything happen as efficiently as possible--sometimes this hampers what we're truly trying to accomplish. I really came to love the feeling of not having to be anywhere at a specific time or that if I was late, there was no need to feel guilty.

Other highlights of my experiences in Greece: going to the beach and swimming in the ocean for the first time, learning some new words in different languages, having a great time with friends and choral directors, and feeling like a true Grecian.

 

Until the next time I travel somewhere cool,

<3 Consignment Kat

{ Snow Day }

Well consignment kitties, it's been quite a while since I've made it back to the blog and it feels long overdue. So with that being said, we're back in black (and other colors)! 

Today's theme is snow day and features pictures that I've taken over the past two weeks. Hopefully all of you are getting back into the grind of spring semester somewhat comfortably--I know I'm making it there ever so slowly. Anyways, let it known forever and always that thrifting gives you plenty of opportunities to: 

1) Save money

2) Recycle clothing

3) Re-purpose clothing

4) Find unique piece

5) Save more money

There's never a bad time to thrift, but definitely more advantageous times (dollar days, my friends). Today, my best friend Tarah and I adventured out in the snowy weather to study at one of our favorite coffee shops, MoJava. Wesleyan graciously gave a snow day and it was definitely one of the most relaxing and fun-filled days I've had in a while. After studying we went to the Salvation Army and Goodwill on the hunt for formal dresses and ended up finding lots of other great pieces. Below are pictures of some of them, as well as older photos I've taken.

Remember, thrifted is good for your wallet and wardrobe. Also, continue to be yourself with style, even if the awkward Goodwill clerk tries to get you down about your style purchases. Who wants to dress like everyone else anyways?

Top: $1, thrifted from Goodwill

Belt: Free, came with skirt from Target

Jeans: $20 (originally $125), a great sale buy from J. Crew

Jacket/kimono: $20, thrifted from Scout (Omaha)

Top: $12, T.J. Maxx

Jeans: $20, American Eagle Outfitters

Shoes: $4, thrifted from Goodwill

Necklace: Free, handcrafted by my friend Juan

Sunglasses: $12, Target

Top: $12, Target

Sweater: $15, Target

Jacket: $12, thrifted from Lily Pads

Scarf: Free, borrowed from my stylish roommate Caitlin

Dress: $20, Urban Outfitters

Tights: Free, also borrowed from Caitlin

Boots: $25, Target

Purse: Free, from my sister, Urban Outfitters

Dress: $5, thrifted from Goodwill

Overalls: $5, thrifted from Goodwill

{this was the purchase of the day; been on the prowl for some of these for the longest time}

Romper: $5, thrifted from the Salvation Army

Glasses: $2, thrifted from Goodwill

{photo cred to Tarah; never not down to thrift}

Stay stylish and cozy, everyone!

Vega

Last night I went to see AZP and Desert Noises at Vega. It was easily one of the best concerts I've ever been to. My friend Sophie and I showed up late and found out AZP wasn't playing, but two other local openers, Blet and Oketo were going to play before DN. I didn't care for Blet, but I now have a love affair with Oketo. Those boys were SO stylish and great musicians. They were all under 21 as well, so I was more than impressed. Desert Noises finally came on at midnight and I was standing at the edge of the stage. Words cannot describe how fantastic they were. They played an hour and a half long set and then we all cheered for an encore. They ran back on stage and started playing Dime in my Pocket. They also pulled us up on stage with them to dance. My life was literally MADE. I haven't had this good of a Friday in a long time. Here are pictures from the concert!

[Desert Noises]

 

[Oketo] 

Dolla Holla

Well everyone, we made it to the end of the week and I don't know about you, but nothing has ever felt so sweet. It's been a crazy one and I've missed posting, so here we are! This morning I sang for recitals; my lovely music major friends were also featured. Here is a picture of us all looking dashing. Gavin, Sophie, and Cassi are all fantastic people and extremely talented.

We all had a great time performing, but I think there was a sigh of relief following, knowing that we won't have to freak out again for a little bit. Anyways, what I really want to focus on in this post is thrifting and the Friday DOLLA HOLLA. The Goodwill in Lincoln has a 10 for 10 weekend once a month and today happened to be the beginning of this month's mad rush of sales. I went with some of the Willards and we each took home a fantastic haul. I managed to snag some great vintage, as well as more modern pieces and only managed to spend $14 (the shoes I bought weren't a dollar, but were too cute not to pass up). Here are some pictures of the things I scored today.

[Mossimo (Target) moto skinnies]

[Vintage shell with rose print]

[Vintage floral print slouchy top]

[Vintage woven sweater]

[Old school American Eagle top]

[Perfect vintage floral print dress picked out by Tarah]

[Vintage woven flats]

[Slouchy tee]

[Another slouchy tee with a vintage wash]

[Vintage gauzy beach top]

[Vintage striped pullover]

The key to finding awesome thrifted items is to go often and buy things that you can work into your wardrobe. After all, you're only spending a dollar; it's so affordable! I'm obsessed with prints, but have some plain skirts and shorts that will complement the printed tops I bought. The more simple tops will go with my printed skirts, jeans, or leggings. One of my favorite parts of thrifting is finding pieces that have character to them. It's fun to have something a little different that no one else does! Anyways, happy Friday, have a fantastic weekend and look for more posts this weekend. I'm going to see Desert Noises and AZP tonight, so check back for stuff about that:)