Faking It

I like to think I’m a self-aware person. Actually, to be really honest, I’m glaringly self-aware. I’m constantly thinking about how my body language is affecting you, I’m thinking about if I’ve offended you with something I’ve said, I’m worrying that you’re mad at me, and I’m always thinking about your feelings when making a decision. And sometimes I surprise myself; like why do I have to be so on edge about how people are receiving the energy and love I’m bringing to the table? But often, quickly after I get wrapped up in thinking about the many things that you could or could not be thinking about me, I’ve lost myself in the shuffle. Following that is the feeling of, “oh, you’re doing that again”. Sometimes I wish I could be self-aware about being so self-aware and safe guard myself against ‘faking it’.

At some point in our lives I think we’ve all faked it—whether that be happiness, love, or feeling like what we’re doing and where we’re at in our journey is completely okay. Too many days feel too tired, too empty, and too full of work that requires more time than we have to give. It’s easy to get bogged down in the tasks on our to-do lists, let it affect how you act towards others, and transform you into a walking stress ball. I’ve been there and done that, friends. It’s almost like I’m teetering on the line constantly, seconds from either being extremely stressed or too comfortable. Weirdly enough, senior year has been completely calm; I’m not sure whether to be worried or excited that I don’t feel like I’m constantly struggling to keep my head above water. The new perspective I’ve adopted this year makes me feel like a different person—one who operates from a place of love instead of halfheartedly faking it and hoping I can pass off my actions for true engagement. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments when I feel a shining star and am not faking my love or passion, but I spend a lot more days than I’m proud of being a narcissist. BUT. This year is already off to a start that my previous three years of college lacked, which feels like a monumental step in the right direction.

So I’m sure some of you are wondering why I’m talking about faking it. Here’s the (punchline?) of this whole post: this morning, my Bible app sent me a wonderful verse of the day that inspired this post. Although this is from the Bible, I hope that whatever your religious or spiritual beliefs or background, that you can take this for what it’s worth. Romans chapter 12, verse 9 says, “love from the center of who you are, don’t fake it”. Not only should our love for others be wholehearted and sincere, it should come from the center of who we are. The way I think about it, if we allow love to come from the very center of ourselves, it’s not a halfhearted love; instead, it literally emanates from every part of us. When we give our full love to others, they can tell the difference, just like they notice when we are putting on a front. By giving our full love to others, we establish a genuine human connection based on trust (because let’s be honest, love and trust go hand in hand). Loving from the center of yourself means trusting who you are and have been made to be and trusting that the person you are giving love to will accept it freely.

I hope that you have the courage to love with your full self. It doesn’t always turn out how you think it will and some will decide they don’t need or want your love, but the whole point is the act of sharing it with others, regardless of what you will or won’t receive in return.